A White House Call About Greenland… & New Fed Design Standards

Chris d Craiker

It was an unexpected afternoon call from the White House. The attendant asked me to hold on for a few minutes while I waited for......... someone. After 10 minutes, the voice came on that was unmistakable: Donald J Trump, president of the United States, in person.

“Hey Chris…. can I call you Chris? As you know, I'm taking back Greenland,….. it was always ours. ……Anyway, we’re gonna’ need a new Capital. A whole new city…… I need architects to create a new Green Capital…. to go along with the name “Greenerland”.

President Trump continued, ”Few people noticed that in the flurry of Executive Orders, one was labeled, Promoting Beautiful Federal Civic Architecture, January 20th 2025.” The President continued, “I told them, everything built today has to look old and traditional as if nothing has changed. Design standards should be going back to conventional from someplace else. I think- and my handlers also think- that Greenland needs a new Capital and I want it to look like the Emerald City from the Wizard of Oz….......... After all, it’s called Greenland….well, it used to be called Greenland….I guess it must be green. They tell me it’s very green there. Now its Greenerland!!”

While The President pontificated, wondering a little on dates and places: ”Now that we've started taking over …taking it back…. we have to rewrite their history. The Danes are fine with the change as long as they have exclusive rights to sell their Ozempic weight loss medicine to the millions of obese American desperate to lose weight.” The President continued, ”I’ve been told ….yesterday…. but that might change….that Ozempic is Denmark’s major source of income , after Danish pastries. ”

The President added, “We’ll be able to increase our intake of seal and walrus meats and penguin eggs as we watch their market prices drop….. That should make folks happy!”

In 2020, after folding his tent, this same executive order was attempted but trashed. Now with this new order, all agencies are required to submit to the President their proposal for regional, traditional, and classical architectural heritage designs to “uplift and beautify the public spaces throughout the United States. This will be part of the “Guiding Principles for Federal Architecture”.

According to the EO, these new principals for Federal building design require classical and other traditional--not indigenous, but European based-- architecture, as practiced both historically—such as Beau Arts architecture-- have proven their ability to meet these design criteria and to more than satisfy today’s functional, technical, and sustainable needs. Their use should be encouraged instead of discouraged.

As an example, the GSA selected Thom Mayne of Morphosis Architects, an old friend, to design the San Francisco Federal Building who designed an classy and edgy award winning building of concrete walls juxtaposed with perforated metal panels and wood panel ceilings, definitely not classical. While the public praised the resulting building, some Franciscans consider it among the ugliest structures in the city.

Architecture should challenge opinions and create public discussion. Even our first American architect, Thomas Jefferson--who was also a President-- railed against the stock-European traditional architecture with his take on Monticello and the University of Virginia campus. While considered Neoclassic, he used native materials and his own interpretation of how the American experiment should go. At that time these designs were revolutionary; today refreshing.

The President rambled on, “Greenerland’s renaming will start immediately once Rand McNally starts changing their maps…. If they ever answer their phone. We’re still working on changing the name Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. That should be a good distraction to everybody as we rewrite the Constitution.”

Well, I volunteered Friday on a whim, only to be fired Monday. Go figure.

Chris d Craiker ALA/NCARB loves classical architecture…. In Greece and Europe.